Disclaimer: In honor of Valentine’s Day, I wanted to write something on marriage. The catch is, having been married less than two years, I am by no means an expert on the topic. I would welcome feedback from any of you older and wiser readers who have been married longer.
When we were newlyweds creating our repertoire of good love songs, Caleb made an interesting observation. He discovered that some Christian love songs are all about commitment, and they don’t end up being quite as fun as some of the secular counterparts that focus on a couple’s enjoyment of each other. A year later, I confirmed this theory when I was searching for couple duets and found a book of Christian wedding duets that included “Commitment Song” and “Love’s Not a Feeling.” Of course, I heartily agree that commitment is essential and that love is so much more than a feeling. But there’s something about this focus that feels unromantic and bland in a love song. I wonder what the author of the Song of Solomon–that spicy book of biblical love poetry–would think of these songs.
Commitment in marriage is like the foundation of a house. It is vital. When it is unstable or corroded, you need to focus on the foundation. But ideally, you don’t have to constantly think and talk (and sing) about the foundation. When the foundation is firm, you can focus on decorating the walls and filling each room with life and beauty.
The solid foundation of commitment should add to the fun, not detract from it. We already have Hollywood pushing the lie that romance is so much more exciting outside of marriage. I wonder if we Christians unwittingly reinforce this idea when all our talk about marriage is on the importance of commitment. In our experience, the commitment of marriage greatly increased the romance of our relationship. It made us freer to flirt with each other, tease each other, and make mistakes. We could finally relax and be ourselves, freer to risk being seen and known by the other.
I wonder if sometimes we hear the words “holy matrimony” and think that we have to add the holiness to the equation. Strange as it may sound, we don’t make our marriages holy by putting Christ at the center or by anything else we do. Christian marriage is holy because of God. He is the One who joins man and woman into one flesh (Matt 19:6). When we see two Christians vowing “to have and to hold” until death, God is doing the important work behind the scenes. He takes a holy man and a holy woman and joins them together in the holy union of marriage.
In 1 Timothy 4, Paul warns Timothy about “deceitful spirits and teachings of demons” (v. 1). He says that these liars “forbid marriage and require abstinence from foods that God created to be received with thanksgiving” (vv. 2-3). And then he explains something profound about holiness: “For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer” (vv. 4-5, emphasis added). Isn’t it wonderful? God’s Word and prayer make things like marriage and delicious food to be holy. This blows my mind in those moments of greatest pleasure. Sometimes I look at Caleb and say, “Can you believe this is holy?”
That’s why I titled this post, “Holiness Doesn’t Have to Kill the Fun.” God loves to give the most delightful gifts. Marriage was His idea, and He gave it to Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, before the fall. It wasn’t a punishment or a harsh restriction. It was the lavish gift of a God who delights in showering His children with things more wonderful than we could have ever thought to request.
What are your thoughts on Christian marriage? Do you think God wants us to think of commitment and romance as two wonderful gifts that enhance each other or as two competing goals that need to be balanced?
Coram Mundo 